Father Christmas Give Us Some Money, We’ll Beat You Up if You Make Us Annoyed

Ok, I'm back after a crazy week at work last week. Snowy weather socked the US this past week, which closed down our corporate headquarters for two whole days. Hey, we had snow and below zero (F) temps here, but we didn't close down. Wimps. Anyway, since I work for corporate and not for the Denver branch, most of my co-workers were out leaving me to pick up the slack. That's ok; I was able to get a lot done regardless. It is a relatively slow time of year for our line of business.

This past weekend was my youngest daughter's 5th birthday, so we celebrated that big event for her on Saturday. I can't believe how fast she's grown. I know that is a cliché every parent utters, but really, it's true. Time will sneak up on you if you aren't careful.

We try to wait until after my daughter's birthday each year to set up the xmas tree and stuff, so she doesn't feel overlooked in the holiday shuffle between Thanksgiving and Christmas. So, on Sunday I pulled out all of the xmas gear and we had our annual holiday decorating event which usually involves a huge wave of excitement up front followed by at least an hour and a half of "are you done putting on the lights yet?"

So, since xmas is in full gear over at the John household, I decided to dedicate today's post (or let's face it, this week's post) to xmas music. However, instead of singing its praises, I am instead for giving most of these songs a permanent "silent night" if you know what I mean. Hey, I know that they can't all be Christmas in Hollis, but I think it is time to re-evaluate some of the old standards. I know everyone loves xmas music, but are some of these tunes really the ones you want to hear over and over for the whole three months of the xmas season? I didn't think so. Although not nearly an exclusive list, here are a few that I have issues with:

Jingle Bells. Ok, I know this is a highly revered holiday classic. But why? Why is this a "Christmas" song? There aren't any lyrics that have to do with xmas or the "holiday season," nor are there any imbedded lessons about giving, kindness, peace on earth or anything like that. This song is about bells ringing on a horse sleigh. Technically, this song could be sung year-round. Why must we stop singing it after xmas? Did people a hundred years ago not take sleigh rides through the snow in January? I just don't get it. The same could be said of Let it Snow, Walking in a Winter Wonderland, and that other sleigh song creatively titled Sleigh Ride. Apparently snow only falls on xmas. That's fine with me. Somebody please notify the weather service, because my xmas spirit is going to be worn fairly thin if it is still snowing in March...

And speaking of songs having nothing to do with xmas becoming xmas songs, what is the deal with Favorite Things now being a part of the xmas repertoire? I've seen The Sound of Music (yes, I am comfortable enough with my masculinity to admit it) and I'm fairly certain that it was not an xmas movie. Well, sure, those Nazis were a bit frosty, but not in that "cute and loveable snowman" kind of way. So, I think we should say "so long, farewell" to this one before we end up trashing all of the old standards in favor of Andrew Lloyd Webber's Greatest Hits.

Deck the Halls. Ok, is there anyone out there nowadays that doesn't snicker when they sing this song? I have a feeling that donning "gay apparel" had a slightly different meaning when this song was first written. Plus, there is no way that I can hear this song without thinking of the Chinese restaurant scene in the movie The Christmas Story. Now, that's classic.

Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree. Ok, as far as xmas songs go, this one isn't that bad. It is a nice upbeat tune that everyone enjoys boogyin' to while they hang on the decorations. But, answer me this: what is the "new old-fashioned way"? Is that like retro? And while I am pretty sure that this song is about a xmas dance party, the only rockin' that goes on with my xmas tree is when my cat tries to climb it...

Wonderful Christmastime by Paul McCartney. Ok, this one isn't exactly a holiday classic, but I have to call this one out anyway. Hey, I love the Beatles, but Sir Paul really cheesed out on this one. Compare this tune to John Lennon's Happy Xmas (War is Over) and it is easy to see why John was the superior Beatle in my opinion (sorry, SLG!).

The worst xmas song by far has to be Jolly Old Saint Nicholas. This is saying a lot, considering there is a pretty wide field of bad xmas songs, including Christmas Shoes and anything ever appearing on a NOW! Christmas album. What makes this selection particularly grating is the tendency of xmas record-producers to put in some underage moppet who can barely enunciate to try to sing some of the most horrid lyrics to grace the season. Johnny wants a pair of skates/Suzy wants a dolly/Nellie wants a story book/ She thinks dolls are folly. Dolls are folly???? That's not only a terrible rhyme, but it doesn't even make sense! Whoever penned that line should be forced to hang holiday lights while standing on an icy ladder for all eternity. Do yourself a favor, St. Nick, and lean your ear the other way on this clunker.

I could go on, but I'll stop (for now). There are a few ways to make the holiday music somewhat tolerable, though. First, have Frank Sinatra or Dean Martin sing it. If you can't pull that one, have no one sing it. I'm serious. The instrumental jazz versions are far less vexing without the singers/singing and, in cases like White Christmas or The Christmas Song, they may even be better. If that still doesn't work out for you, then just blast out Merry Christmas (I Don't Want to Fight Tonight) by the Ramones about 20 times in a row. That's what I plan on doing.