The Jokes They're Always Bad, But They're Not as Bad as This
Thursday. I'm being pulled on all sides today. It appears that everyone wants me to be his or her advocate for whatever reason or another. A sales rep wants me to talk to operations to figure out how to correct her overbilled sales order. The Big Boss Lady wants me to call down to Texas to help some guy set up his software parameters. A sales rep wants me to check on his vendor payments. A stranger on the corner wants me to deliver a large, unmarked brown paper package to that guy in the van across the street. What is the deal, people? Why do you need to involve me to get your respective jobs done? On top of that I have a bunch of other junk going on, not to mention I'm trying to upload our receivables website today. Fun times.
Ok, as promised, here are the 56 Reasons Why I Love My Staple Remover:
1. It has cool wingy things coming off the sides of it to keep your fingers from slipping when you squeeze it.
2. It is in an unpretentious medium-brown color.
3. Like me, it made Minnesota its home before coming to Colorado to have a better life.
4. While the stapler has gone through many generations, style changes, and "improvements," the staple remover has pretty much retained its simplicity and form.
5. You can squeeze it and fiddle with it while on long, boring phone calls.
6. If those calls get really boring, you can imagine that your staple remover kind of looks like the mouth of a biting dog or dragon. Rarrrr!!!!
7. It doesn't squeak when you squeeze it.
8. It fits perfectly into its own little spot in my desk drawer tray.
9. It was made in China, and serves as a symbol of how capitalistic trade has thawed the tensions between our two philosophically and politically opposed countries.
10. It demonstrates that nothing is binding, and that anything done can just as easily be undone.
11. It does not require an instruction manual.
12. It very, very rarely fails to serve its purpose.
13. Much like the average worker, despite its consistent reliability and performance record, it rarely gets the recognition that it deserves.
14. When in an office supply battle with a co-worker, you can hastily assemble a slingshot out of two pens, a couple of strong rubber bands and a stapler. Then use the stapler remover as one mad projectile, yo.
15. In moments of frustration, it makes a fairly good makeshift paper shredder.
16. I bet even the CEO uses a staple remover from time to time.
17. Current price at Office Depot for staple remover: $1.49. I've had mine for about 3 years, for a total straight-line expense of about 50 cents per year. Not a bad investment...
18. Unlike my adding machine, it never taunts me with out of balance figures.
19. I just threw it against the wall and it didn't break (although it did elicit some odd stares...).
20. You've never heard of tape removers, rubber band removers, or binder clip removers have you? The stapler remover alone rules the world of releasing paper from their respective binding materials.
21. Sometimes the simplest designs or ideas produce the most effective results.
22. For the most part, it is coffee-resistant.
23. Unlike my stapler, it never jams.
24. I'm fairly sure that OSHA has never recorded an injury incident involving a stapler remover.
25. I don't have to answer my stapler remover. Screw you, phone. Quit ringing!
26. 56 reasons I love my tape dispenser? I don't think so.
27. Could possibly double as a home ear-piercing kit. You might want to numb things down with an ice cube first, though.
28. Even though I supposedly work on a "paperless" system, it has yet to be rendered obsolete.
29. Unlike the eraser, this error-correction tool does not diminish with each use.
30. It has its own Wikipedia entry
31. Per this Wikipedia entry, the opposing wedge type staple remover is superior to a simple wedge because it removes staples with minimal damage to the paper documents, whereas a wedge may unintentionally tear said paper documents.
32. Mine is a superior opposing wedge type staple remover, which makes me feel superior for having one.
33. While newfangled fancy office gadgets may be hip and look cool, can they still deliver the same level of satisfaction?
34. You can feed it a staple diet.
35. You can spend a lifetime pondering whether the side with the outside teeth or the inside teeth is the top or bottom.
36. After figuring that out, you can spend a second lifetime wondering if it really matters.
37. It may not be the best, but it's my own.
38. It never slaps you when you give something else a squeeze.
39. Its inner spring always keeps it bouncing back for more.
40. If you place one staple remover in one hand, and one in the other, you can pretend to play the castanets. Co-workers no doubt will delight in your office supply rendition of La Cucaracha.
41. Why would you not like one of these things? Seriously.
42. Since the staple remover transcends all languages and boundaries, it can be used as a common bond between differing cultures and hemispheres.
43. It is just way too fun to say "Me encanta mi sacagrapa!"
44. It is helping me serve my sole purpose in life: to rid the world of all things stapled.
45. If in trouble, you can use it to send out an SOS old school telegraph style.
46. It can rest on all six of its sides.
47. The plastic handle can prevent electric shock should any of my staples be carrying a charge.
48. I don't have to tell it "I love you." It just knows.
49. When lacking rubber gloves, the staple remover can be used to pick up, um, "questionable" items.
50. Sharp enough to raise a staple, dull enough not to break the skin.
51. Unlike my Swingline stapler, it is not in danger of being replaced by a Boston model.
52. I'm taking it with me when I leave.
53. It likes me, it really likes me!
54. It appeals to my deconstructive nature.
55. It provides the perfect antithesis, yin/yang balance to my stapler.
56. And finally (can you tell I'm starting to fade out here?)... It's just super groovy. Need I say more?
I still don't have any new music to review for today. Hopefully, thanks to Sass I should have some soon. In the meantime I have been listening to more Pavement. Before yesterday it had been a long while since I had given them a listen. Pavement is one of those bands that I really like but forget how really cool they are until I start listening to them again. Today's choice was Slanted and Enchanted, Pavement's crown jewel. This album is super good, but I've discussed this one before, plus I've got to finish up this pile of work on my desk, so I'll desist for now.
Ok, as promised, here are the 56 Reasons Why I Love My Staple Remover:
1. It has cool wingy things coming off the sides of it to keep your fingers from slipping when you squeeze it.
2. It is in an unpretentious medium-brown color.
3. Like me, it made Minnesota its home before coming to Colorado to have a better life.
4. While the stapler has gone through many generations, style changes, and "improvements," the staple remover has pretty much retained its simplicity and form.
5. You can squeeze it and fiddle with it while on long, boring phone calls.
6. If those calls get really boring, you can imagine that your staple remover kind of looks like the mouth of a biting dog or dragon. Rarrrr!!!!
7. It doesn't squeak when you squeeze it.
8. It fits perfectly into its own little spot in my desk drawer tray.
9. It was made in China, and serves as a symbol of how capitalistic trade has thawed the tensions between our two philosophically and politically opposed countries.
10. It demonstrates that nothing is binding, and that anything done can just as easily be undone.
11. It does not require an instruction manual.
12. It very, very rarely fails to serve its purpose.
13. Much like the average worker, despite its consistent reliability and performance record, it rarely gets the recognition that it deserves.
14. When in an office supply battle with a co-worker, you can hastily assemble a slingshot out of two pens, a couple of strong rubber bands and a stapler. Then use the stapler remover as one mad projectile, yo.
15. In moments of frustration, it makes a fairly good makeshift paper shredder.
16. I bet even the CEO uses a staple remover from time to time.
17. Current price at Office Depot for staple remover: $1.49. I've had mine for about 3 years, for a total straight-line expense of about 50 cents per year. Not a bad investment...
18. Unlike my adding machine, it never taunts me with out of balance figures.
19. I just threw it against the wall and it didn't break (although it did elicit some odd stares...).
20. You've never heard of tape removers, rubber band removers, or binder clip removers have you? The stapler remover alone rules the world of releasing paper from their respective binding materials.
21. Sometimes the simplest designs or ideas produce the most effective results.
22. For the most part, it is coffee-resistant.
23. Unlike my stapler, it never jams.
24. I'm fairly sure that OSHA has never recorded an injury incident involving a stapler remover.
25. I don't have to answer my stapler remover. Screw you, phone. Quit ringing!
26. 56 reasons I love my tape dispenser? I don't think so.
27. Could possibly double as a home ear-piercing kit. You might want to numb things down with an ice cube first, though.
28. Even though I supposedly work on a "paperless" system, it has yet to be rendered obsolete.
29. Unlike the eraser, this error-correction tool does not diminish with each use.
30. It has its own Wikipedia entry
31. Per this Wikipedia entry, the opposing wedge type staple remover is superior to a simple wedge because it removes staples with minimal damage to the paper documents, whereas a wedge may unintentionally tear said paper documents.
32. Mine is a superior opposing wedge type staple remover, which makes me feel superior for having one.
33. While newfangled fancy office gadgets may be hip and look cool, can they still deliver the same level of satisfaction?
34. You can feed it a staple diet.
35. You can spend a lifetime pondering whether the side with the outside teeth or the inside teeth is the top or bottom.
36. After figuring that out, you can spend a second lifetime wondering if it really matters.
37. It may not be the best, but it's my own.
38. It never slaps you when you give something else a squeeze.
39. Its inner spring always keeps it bouncing back for more.
40. If you place one staple remover in one hand, and one in the other, you can pretend to play the castanets. Co-workers no doubt will delight in your office supply rendition of La Cucaracha.
41. Why would you not like one of these things? Seriously.
42. Since the staple remover transcends all languages and boundaries, it can be used as a common bond between differing cultures and hemispheres.
43. It is just way too fun to say "Me encanta mi sacagrapa!"
44. It is helping me serve my sole purpose in life: to rid the world of all things stapled.
45. If in trouble, you can use it to send out an SOS old school telegraph style.
46. It can rest on all six of its sides.
47. The plastic handle can prevent electric shock should any of my staples be carrying a charge.
48. I don't have to tell it "I love you." It just knows.
49. When lacking rubber gloves, the staple remover can be used to pick up, um, "questionable" items.
50. Sharp enough to raise a staple, dull enough not to break the skin.
51. Unlike my Swingline stapler, it is not in danger of being replaced by a Boston model.
52. I'm taking it with me when I leave.
53. It likes me, it really likes me!
54. It appeals to my deconstructive nature.
55. It provides the perfect antithesis, yin/yang balance to my stapler.
56. And finally (can you tell I'm starting to fade out here?)... It's just super groovy. Need I say more?
I still don't have any new music to review for today. Hopefully, thanks to Sass I should have some soon. In the meantime I have been listening to more Pavement. Before yesterday it had been a long while since I had given them a listen. Pavement is one of those bands that I really like but forget how really cool they are until I start listening to them again. Today's choice was Slanted and Enchanted, Pavement's crown jewel. This album is super good, but I've discussed this one before, plus I've got to finish up this pile of work on my desk, so I'll desist for now.
posted by john at 4:04 PM
2 Comments:
i never thought you would really do it.
my fave?
"34. You can feed it a staple diet"
*snerk*
Oh, I have to make good on my promises (or at least try to). I'm making a mental note to myself, though, that next time I'm running my mouth (or my typing fingers, as the case may be) to pick a lower number. A shorter list could have benefited both the reader and the writer. There was a lot of filler in there.
No. 34 is my favorite, too :-)
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