I Claim I’m Not Excited With My Life Any More; So I Blame This Town, This Job, These Friends; The Truth is It’s Myself

To paraphrase Sarte, we cannot evaluate a person based on his or her potential. We can only evaluate someone on what he or she has already done. We do not celebrate an author for the next novel he or she could have written, but for the great works that that individual has already produced. Therefore, I cannot go through life believing that I have potential to create until I have actually created something. Potential is intangible. We often lament wasted potential, but does it really make a difference what we could have done if we did nothing about it? What is the difference between one individual who could have painted a masterpiece of art and one who is completely without artistic talent if neither individual ever picked up a brush? There is no difference. It is just as easy for me to say that I can walk across the room as it is for me to say that I could run a 1-minute mile. Until I've done either one of those tasks, neither matters, regardless of their respective odds of accomplishment.

So, it comes down to the simple notion of doing something about it. But how does one realize that unknown potential that lay deep within one's subconscious? How does one resolve that nagging feeling that he or she is capable of so much more and then "do something about it?" So many of us have the desire to exceed the status quo and to go beyond the parameters that have been set for us, but so few of us actually accomplish that feat. Why is that? Are we afraid of failure, ridicule, contempt, or even success? Is it a matter of time constraint? Sure, we tell ourselves that we "have no time," but if we really had the drive wouldn't we make time? How does one convert that desire into drive?

I have been wrestling with these issues for a long time now. I've long held that notion, that "nagging feeling" that I could (and should) be doing more than this, but have never figured out how to capitalize on this struggle between my reality and my desire. I want to grow beyond myself, to re-shape my essence to meet (and even exceed) the expectations that I have for myself but am doing nothing about. Where is my motivation? Perhaps I am lazy. That is an easy excuse and on the surface it could easily appear to be so. However, I think it really lay deeper than that. I am generally not a lazy person (laid back, but certainly not lazy). I want to be actively working on my idea. But I am not. Perhaps I am plagued by self-doubt. I heard something this weekend that basically said that we hate what we create because we secretly hate ourselves for thinking differently (due to society's conditioning) and that we will know when we find an original idea because we will hate ourselves for thinking it. We become our own worst critic. The key is to push on and know that even though we are reviled by our own creation, the world will eventually embrace it due to its originality (despite the fact that we are conditioned not to). Society loves what we are told to hate.

While I don't know if there is any truth to that idea, I do find it very intriguing. I know that I have personally either scrapped or left unfinished many a project because I became frustrated or even repulsed by the results and my inability to please myself. Although others have encouraged me, I have failed to encourage myself to continue in the face of my own mental adversity. Once again, I am in the midst of another project but have found myself stalled. To be honest, I consider this to be the best idea I have ever come up with. The few individuals that I have run this idea by all agree that it is a " sure-fire winner." Why then can I not move forward? I know what I need to do, but I can't. Why am I stopping myself both consciously and unconsciously? Will finding the answer to that question help move me forward, or is this just another diversion that I've created for myself to keep from working on what I have set out for myself to accomplish?