Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Saint Stephen Will Remain, All He’s Lost He Shall Regain

Well, faithful readers, I hope you all had a happy holiday this year. We here in Colorado certainly had an xmas to remember. As you may have heard, we got a bit of snow last week. It started out tame enough. They predicted a bunch of snow on Tuesday but none came. They said we would get it early Wednesday morning, but when I woke up super early to deal with the traffic, none had come. By the time I was done showering flurries had started to fall, but that was about it. My drive was uneventful and it seemed like it was going to be another false warning. However, very shortly after I got into work it started coming down. I mean REALLY coming down. The wind was blowing like crazy. Schools were closing. Our delivery trucks were turning around and coming back. They closed down our Denver branch at noon.

I, of course, had no fear of high winds, blizzard conditions, or a 50-mile commute back home since I drive the ultimate winter driving machine, the Kia Rio. However, everyone else apparently was having difficulty because it took me almost four hours to get home. I spent at least the first hour and a half of that just trying to get five miles away from my work. Eventually once I cleared Denver things improved, but it was still one of the worst winter drives I ever had to endure and I used to live in Minnesota, the land of bad winter driving (or all year driving, for that matter).

I am honestly amazed I made it home. The interstate was lined with vehicles much more conducive to rough driving than mine lying in ditches or run up in drifts. I feared that I would run my little white sedan right off the road, get lost in a snow bank and no one would find me until spring. My wife said to make it as close to home as I could and she would try to come rescue me in the 4-wheel drive. Luckily she didn't have to and I amazingly made it home safe and sound.

The next day the national weather service reported that Fort Collins got an average of 23 inches of accumulation (58.4 centimeters for those of you who think metric). With the wind as crazy as it was, we ended up with drifts in our back yard higher than our 6-foot fence. Thursday was actually kind of fun because the whole town was snowed in. The state literally shut down and all of the interstates in all directions were closed. I feel bad for all of the travelers and those people stuck at the airport for days, but once I finally got home I enjoyed it. The branch stayed closed on Thursday, so when the snow stopped, I went outside and helped dig out the neighborhood while the girls played.


My wife was thrilled that a white Christmas was virtually guaranteed, and I definitely wasn't complaining about the well-timed extra days off work, but I can't say that the holiday went off without a hitch. We haven't had mail service since the day of the blizzard (even though the roads were plenty fine for travel by Saturday morning), so not only did our packages not get out but we didn't get any in, either. Luckily we already had the Santa gifts for the girls or there would have been a lot of explaining to do for sure.

The funniest twist on the no-mail-delivery thing involved our xmas dinner. You see, as tradition, my grandparents used to send all of the families good honey-baked hams to eat on xmas. One of the last things my grandfather did before passing away last month was order the hams for everyone. We even discussed it the last time I spoke with him. We had counted on that ham coming in time for the big meal. My parents had received theirs but ours never came. Then the blizzard hit and no mail came. We had all of the fixin's for side dishes, but no main course. So, we cracked open the freezer to see what we could make. Well... we have the ingredients for meat loaf... And that is what we had: Christmas Meatloaf. I guess we'll see next year if a new tradition is born.

All in all it was a great xmas, regardless of the late packages. We got some unexpected extra time to spend with our friends and family and that was more than gift enough in replacement. We did a lot of baking, playing in the snow and other fun holiday things with the girls, and we visited with friends on both Saturday and Sunday nights. I also witnessed a true xmas miracle as the Denver Broncos defeated the Cincinnati Bengals thanks to a bad snap in the final seconds of the game. Merry xmas indeed.

I hope you all had a great holiday as well. I am now going ride out the next few days of work until Friday, which I am taking off as a vacation day. I had saved an "emergency" day but never needed it so I am taking it now to end the year. That is, of course, depending on when the xmas packages finally arrive. I just may be taking off for another round of xmas...

Monday, December 18, 2006

Like an Angel Standing in a Shaft of Light, Rising up to Paradise; I Know I’m Gonna Shine…

Ok, I am back from my business trip to California. All in all it was a very positive experience. So positive in fact, I can't wait to go back and spend a little longer time there to enjoy it (especially on days like today when it is cold and snowy outside). Anyway, here's the rundown of my trip:

I had a 6:00am flight, so I had to get up at like 3 in the morning since I had to shower, get ready, make the hour or so drive to the airport and still get there in time to check-in, go through security, etc. I made it on time, albeit in a zombie-like state. It was strange, though, because literally as I was approaching the airport Going to California by Led Zeppelin came on the radio. Very strange.

I made it through security and boarded the plane without a hitch. However, once boarded we had to sit on the tarmac for another 30-40 minutes because maintenance had to come out and tighten a loose panel. That would usually be ok, since I am generally patient and would rather wait and make sure the plane was safe before watching a piece of paneling rip off the plane mid-flight, but I was changing planes in Phoenix and only had 30 minutes to do so.

Once we finally took off things were ok (take-off was a bit bumpy) and I made it to Phoenix with about 5-10 minutes to catch my plane. Luckily I had not missed my connection, unlike many of my other fellow passengers who flooded the ticketing desk with their complaints. I literally ran down the concourse only to find the jetway doors were closed. "Are you John?" the flight attendant asked. "Yes, I am" I replied. "We've been expecting you. We knew you were coming." Ok, that was weird in a creepy, horror movie kind of way. Anyway, they held the plane as I ran aboard. I asked about my luggage, but sure enough they were loading it as I spoke. I found my seat and soon enough I was back in the air. I had never been to Phoenix before, but from the 5-10 minutes that I ran through it, it seemed very lovely.

I found flying into Palm Springs to be a very odd visual experience. From Phoenix until just before we landed, brown land was all you could see out the window. There were a lot of mountains, but they were all brown as well, like little mounds of dirt rising from the ground. There was little or no vegetation to be seen anywhere. Then, all of a sudden you see a huge swatch of bright, vibrant green. Palm trees and golf courses everywhere. I mean a TON of golf courses. I think there must be a city ordinance that mandates one hole for every resident.

I didn't spend much time in Palm Springs, but I really liked what little I saw. The airport is like 2/3 outside. Of course, when it is super sunny and in the 70s (F) in the middle of December why wouldn't you want to be outside? The first site you see coming out of the airport is the very impressive Mt. San Jacinto complimented by the many tall palm trees reaching for the sky. It must cost a fortune to keep this oasis in the desert lush, but the visual result was spectacular. No wonder this is such a winter haven for wealthy snowbirds and celebrities. Even I'm starting to think about getting a January time share there myself...

It doesn't take long after driving out of Palm Springs that you find yourself in the desert. This isn't a giant sand dunes and camel desert that probably first comes to mind, but more like a really dry dirt and sage brush kind of desert that you see in the old cowboy movies. However, the land wasn't flat. There were mountains on either side and I was headed right towards the eastern ones.

The town of Twentynine Palms, CA, is about an hour away from Palm Springs. I couldn't think of two more contrasting locales. As lush as Palm Springs was, Twentynine Palms was dry. It was a small desert town that reminded me a lot of Alamosa, CO. The best thing about Alamosa is its close proximity to Great Sand Dunes National Park. Unless you are counting the marine base in Twentynine Palms, the best thing that I encountered in Twentynine Palms by far was Joshua Tree National Park.

But I'm getting ahead of myself since I had to do my customer visit first. You know, since this was a business trip and all. I actually picked probably the best day to go out. The marine base held a big pot luck in one of the hangars for all of the vendors and contractors that work on the base, so I got to meet a lot of people and get some good grub on in the meantime. Even Santa came to visit. I'm telling you, xmas in the desert was a weird experience for me. Here it was all sunny and warm and people are walking around in snowflake sweaters and Santa hats. In Palm Springs, houses with green grass and palm trees had wreaths hanging on the door. A big inflatable snowman advertised real xmas trees for sale. I was rolling up my sleeves as people were talking about how cold it was getting (down to 40 F in the desert at night... brrrr... ;-). After that I took a tour of the base, met our staff and checked out our facilities, and counted all 29 palms. I learned that each palm represents an action that the Marines took place in. Very interesting.

Later that evening I went to a dinner hosted by one of the big contractors in the area. I guess this guy has a huge expense account with his company and buys dinner and drinks for all of the other vendors once a month. It just so happened that I was there for one of those free dinners. Fine dining is in short supply in Twentynine Palms, so we ended up at a little hole-in-the-wall kind of place that I guess is the usual monthly destination for this kind of thing. While ordering something to drink another vendor recommended a new micro beer that the place just got in called Fat Tire Beer. Fat Tire Beer? You mean the same Fat Tire brewed right down the road from my house in beautiful and lovely Fort Collins, CO??? Sure, I'll have one! I guess it just goes to show that no matter how far you travel, you can always find a bit of home.

I didn't have much business on base the next day so I took some extra time before my flight to visit Joshua Tree National Park. No, I did not see Bono or any other members of U2 there. I have wanted to visit this place for years and I honestly don't even remember when it started or why, just that I had strong desire to check it out. I was not disappointed. I LOVED this place. I spent a few hours in the park and I could have easily spent a few days there. It was beyond super cool. It was mind-blowingly amazing. I can't even explain it in words. The only thing that dampened this awesome experience was that I was all alone and could not share it with anyone. I didn't have my good camera with me, but I tried to snap some shots with my cell phone. They turned out terribly. I am going to post them here anyway, but I would recommend visiting this guy’s site to see some much better images.


Ladies and Gentlemen, a Joshua tree.


The Cholla Cactus Garden in the Colorado Desert


A downshot of a rock arch in White Tank. There are huge rock piles scattered throughout the park just waiting to be ascended. A rock climber's dream...

Those are just a few shots that turned out (barely). I need to go back with my good camera, for sure. I didn't get near enough time in the park. I had to force myself to leave or I would have missed my plane. I was pushing it on time as it was, so I reluctantly turned to go. I made it back to Palm Springs with just enough time to gas up the rental, return it and check into my flight. Before I knew it, I was back in the air leaving sunny California and returning to Denver. The flight went well and I made it through the airport unscathed. I found my car in the economy lot, sank down in my seat and turned on the ignition. The radio popped on and it was Where the Streets Have No Name by U2. You might recognize it. It was on The Joshua Tree album. Very strange...

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Rhymes So Loud and Proud You Hear it; It’s Christmas Time and We Got the Spirit

Ok, so a couple of posts ago I took the liberty of ripping into some of the more popular holiday songs that we get inundated with each year around this time. It was suggested to me that I should counter-balance that post with some xmas tunes that really aren't that bad (relatively). That sounded like a good idea, so here we go:

Merry Christmas Baby by Otis Redding. Ok, this one has been covered a number of times, but in my opinion no one does it better than Mr. Pitiful. Mr. Redding takes this soul/R&B love song set during xmas time and turns it into a track that "shore do treat us right" every year.

The Nutcracker Suite by Tchaikovsky. Ok, some might argue that The Nutcracker is not xmas music, but to them I ask why have toy soldier nutcrackers become so synonymous with xmas then? I'm a Tchaikovsky fan all year round, so this is no big stretch for me, really. We took the girls to a live performance of this seasonal ballet this past weekend and they both absolutely loved it. This just shows that xmas music doesn't have to be cheesy bubblegum pop. It can also be a classical and cultural tradition and experience. And involve codpieces.

Christmas Tears by Eric Clapton. Clapton. Blues. Xmas. Need I say more? I mean, besides bragging that I have Clapton tickets for when he comes to Denver in March... merry xmas indeed!

Roses are Free by Ween (also covered by Phish). Ok, probably not one to play in front of the relatives, but still a pretty good tune anyway even if it is a little warped. Hey, it's Ween, what did you expect from a duo who recorded such classics as Bananas and Blow and Mister, Will You Please Help My Pony?

Christmas in Hollis by Run DMC. Ok, how could I not include this one? I know it's corny. The ridiculousness of the lyrics is only overshadowed by the ridiculousness of the music video. However, it still is a lot of fun. Plus, how many other xmas rap songs can you rattle off?

Merry Christmas (I Don't Want to Fight Tonight) by The Ramones. Is there a better way to celebrate xmas than blaring The Ramones? Joey and the crew actually present us with a pretty good holiday message to contemplate on this track. We shouldn't fight because "Christmas ain't the time for breaking each other's hearts." Well said, Ramones, well said. On a side note, the radio station in Boulder has a decent holiday music stream on their website that has a track of Joey Ramone singing Merry Christmas (Baby Please Come Home) in rotation. That one ain't bad, either.

Father Christmas by The Kinks. While this one is often overlooked as a "joke" xmas song, there is actually a pretty pointed message here about the commercialism of xmas and the irony that Santa tends to bring the most gifts to the kids who least need them. Who knew that listening to The Kinks would be the best way to stay grounded during the overwhelming wave of excess that we tend to get wrapped up in this time of year?

Christmas by The Who. Finally, a Who song that hasn't been completely overplayed by commercial radio! This little gem is hidden between the more prominent and recognizable tracks in the amazing rock opera Tommy and asks us the deeply profound question: how can men who've never seen light be enlightened? Hmmm... Really, I love this tune. It just may be my favorite on this list, seriously. If not for anything else the "wahwahwahwahs" in the background are totally infectious. You might just have to hit "repeat track" a few times just to get them out of your head.

Well, that's it for now. I'm sure there are many more that I have neglected to mention. If any of you all out there think a tune should be added to this list of "tolerable xmas tunes" please feel free to add them in the comments. I'm all ears and antlers...

In other news, I am traveling to California on business for the next few days. No, I will not be laying out on the beach somewhere. I will actually be in the middle of the desert, or more accurately, in the middle of two deserts: the Mojave and the Sonoran. We received a mandate from the top that all of the financial managers had to make a customer visit by year-end. So, I picked my favorite customer in Twentynine Palms to grace with my presence. This is mostly for show, a kind of "meet and shake hands" type of thing, but it should be a good trip nonetheless. I'll be checking in and out for the next few days (which is different from any other time?) but Inaction should be back in regular action soon.

Rhymes So Loud and Proud You Hear it; It’s Christmas Time and We Got the Spirit

Ok, so a couple of posts ago I took the liberty of ripping into some of the more popular holiday songs that we get inundated with each year around this time. It was suggested to me that I should counter-balance that post with some xmas tunes that really aren't that bad (relatively). That sounded like a good idea, so here we go:

Merry Christmas Baby by Otis Redding. Ok, this one has been covered a number of times, but in my opinion no one does it better than Mr. Pitiful. Mr. Redding takes this soul/R&B love song set during xmas time and turns it into a track that "shore do treat us right" every year.

The Nutcracker Suite by Tchaikovsky. Ok, some might argue that The Nutcracker is not xmas music, but to them I ask why have toy soldier nutcrackers become so synonymous with xmas then? I'm a Tchaikovsky fan all year round, so this is no big stretch for me, really. We took the girls to a live performance of this seasonal ballet this past weekend and they both absolutely loved it. This just shows that xmas music doesn't have to be cheesy bubblegum pop. It can also be a classical and cultural tradition and experience. And involve codpieces.

Christmas Tears by Eric Clapton. Clapton. Blues. Xmas. Need I say more? I mean, besides bragging that I have Clapton tickets for when he comes to Denver in March... merry xmas indeed!

Roses are Free by Ween (also covered by Phish). Ok, probably not one to play in front of the relatives, but still a pretty good tune anyway even if it is a little warped. Hey, it's Ween, what did you expect from a duo who recorded such classics as Bananas and Blow and Mister, Will You Please Help My Pony?

Christmas in Hollis by Run DMC. Ok, how could I not include this one? I know it's corny. The ridiculousness of the lyrics is only overshadowed by the ridiculousness of the music video. However, it still is a lot of fun. Plus, how many other xmas rap songs can you rattle off?

Merry Christmas (I Don't Want to Fight Tonight) by The Ramones. Is there a better way to celebrate xmas than blaring The Ramones? Joey and the crew actually present us with a pretty good holiday message to contemplate on this track. We shouldn't fight because "Christmas ain't the time for breaking each other's hearts." Well said, Ramones, well said. On a side note, the radio station in Boulder has a decent holiday music stream on their website that has a track of Joey Ramone singing Merry Christmas (Baby Please Come Home) in rotation. That one ain't bad, either.

Father Christmas by The Kinks. While this one is often overlooked as a "joke" xmas song, there is actually a pretty pointed message here about the commercialism of xmas and the irony that Santa tends to bring the most gifts to the kids who least need them. Who knew that listening to The Kinks would be the best way to stay grounded during the overwhelming wave of excess that we tend to get wrapped up in this time of year?

Christmas by The Who. Finally, a Who song that hasn't been completely overplayed by commercial radio! This little gem is hidden between the more prominent and recognizable tracks in the amazing rock opera Tommy and asks us the deeply profound question: how can men who've never seen light be enlightened? Hmmm... Really, I love this tune. It just may be my favorite on this list, seriously. If not for anything else the "wahwahwahwahs" in the background are totally infectious. You might just have to hit "repeat track" a few times just to get them out of your head.

Well, that's it for now. I'm sure there are many more that I have neglected to mention. If any of you all out there think a tune should be added to this list of "tolerable xmas tunes" please feel free to add them in the comments. I'm all ears and antlers...

In other news, I am traveling to California on business for the next few days. No, I will not be laying out on the beach somewhere. I will actually be in the middle of the desert, or more accurately, in the middle of two deserts: the Mojave and the Sonoran. We received a mandate from the top that all of the financial managers had to make a customer visit by year-end. So, I picked my favorite customer in Twentynine Palms to grace with my presence. This is mostly for show, a kind of "meet and shake hands" type of thing, but it should be a good trip nonetheless. I'll be checking in and out for the next few days (which is different from any other time?) but Inaction should be back in regular action soon.

Friday, December 08, 2006

Only People Just Know How to Talk to People; Only People Know Just How to Change the World

I'm like some freakish savant when it comes to music trivia. Don't ask me to remember anything of any real significance or practical use, but for some reason I can list off the most obscure musical minutiae with ease. The same could be said of film, books, historical events and other random factoids as well. Trust me, I would readily trade my ability to never lose Trivial Pursuit for, say, an understanding of quantum physics or anything of actual value, but I have come to accept that it is just how my brain works.

I mention this because I learned something new today that I had never heard before. According to the morning DJ (yes, I admit it, I was listening to commercial radio) Jimmy Page played session guitar on Tom Jones’ It’s Not Unusual. I knew that he had done a lot of session work early in his career, but I had never known about this one (rest assured it's locked in the brain vault now).

I did know that Mr. Page played sessions for the Yardbirds and eventually became a member of the band after Eric Clapton departed. Eric Clapton is no stranger doing session and cameo work himself. Best friends with George Harrison, he contributed on several of his tracks, including one of my favorite Beatle tunes While My Guitar Gently Weeps. He also played lead guitar in John Lennon's Plastic Ono Band, which brings me to today's real topic, the anniversary of John Lennon's death.

I wrote a decent post on this subject last year so I'll link it here and invite you to read it. I know that's cheating, but hey, it beats redundancy. I will, however, once again implore you faithful readers to consider Mr. Lennon's message of peace and understanding between peoples. With all that is going on in the world, this message is just as relevant now as it was then. Let's not just remember Mr. Lennon by playing Beatle "rock blocks" on the radio. Let's instead honor his memory by reaching out to our fellow humans and practicing random acts of kindness for our neighbors. That and listening to A Day in the Life ad nauseum. That's what I plan to do.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Not Now John It's Time to Get on with the Film Show

Today is Pearl Harbor Day. I was going to make a joke about today being the day that we mourn the millions of dollars wasted on one of the worst movies I’ve seen in recent years, but then I thought that might be insulting to the brave men and women to whom this day is actually dedicated. Then again, could it be any more insulting than trivializing one of the darkest moments in US history by making an extremely lame love triangle movie with the surprise attack on the Hawaiian naval base as its backdrop? Michael Bay, what cinematic great will you attempt to dumb the masses with next? Opposites attract in the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building? A make-up/break-up story set in the twin towers? Oh wait... it's yet another Friday the 13th sequel. Way to set the bar high, Mr. Bay. Maybe a bunch of superfluous explosions and bad editing will finally get Jason this time...

In all seriousness, thanks vets. Your service is remembered and appreciated on this 65th anniversary.

Monday, December 04, 2006

Father Christmas Give Us Some Money, We’ll Beat You Up if You Make Us Annoyed

Ok, I'm back after a crazy week at work last week. Snowy weather socked the US this past week, which closed down our corporate headquarters for two whole days. Hey, we had snow and below zero (F) temps here, but we didn't close down. Wimps. Anyway, since I work for corporate and not for the Denver branch, most of my co-workers were out leaving me to pick up the slack. That's ok; I was able to get a lot done regardless. It is a relatively slow time of year for our line of business.

This past weekend was my youngest daughter's 5th birthday, so we celebrated that big event for her on Saturday. I can't believe how fast she's grown. I know that is a cliché every parent utters, but really, it's true. Time will sneak up on you if you aren't careful.

We try to wait until after my daughter's birthday each year to set up the xmas tree and stuff, so she doesn't feel overlooked in the holiday shuffle between Thanksgiving and Christmas. So, on Sunday I pulled out all of the xmas gear and we had our annual holiday decorating event which usually involves a huge wave of excitement up front followed by at least an hour and a half of "are you done putting on the lights yet?"

So, since xmas is in full gear over at the John household, I decided to dedicate today's post (or let's face it, this week's post) to xmas music. However, instead of singing its praises, I am instead for giving most of these songs a permanent "silent night" if you know what I mean. Hey, I know that they can't all be Christmas in Hollis, but I think it is time to re-evaluate some of the old standards. I know everyone loves xmas music, but are some of these tunes really the ones you want to hear over and over for the whole three months of the xmas season? I didn't think so. Although not nearly an exclusive list, here are a few that I have issues with:

Jingle Bells. Ok, I know this is a highly revered holiday classic. But why? Why is this a "Christmas" song? There aren't any lyrics that have to do with xmas or the "holiday season," nor are there any imbedded lessons about giving, kindness, peace on earth or anything like that. This song is about bells ringing on a horse sleigh. Technically, this song could be sung year-round. Why must we stop singing it after xmas? Did people a hundred years ago not take sleigh rides through the snow in January? I just don't get it. The same could be said of Let it Snow, Walking in a Winter Wonderland, and that other sleigh song creatively titled Sleigh Ride. Apparently snow only falls on xmas. That's fine with me. Somebody please notify the weather service, because my xmas spirit is going to be worn fairly thin if it is still snowing in March...

And speaking of songs having nothing to do with xmas becoming xmas songs, what is the deal with Favorite Things now being a part of the xmas repertoire? I've seen The Sound of Music (yes, I am comfortable enough with my masculinity to admit it) and I'm fairly certain that it was not an xmas movie. Well, sure, those Nazis were a bit frosty, but not in that "cute and loveable snowman" kind of way. So, I think we should say "so long, farewell" to this one before we end up trashing all of the old standards in favor of Andrew Lloyd Webber's Greatest Hits.

Deck the Halls. Ok, is there anyone out there nowadays that doesn't snicker when they sing this song? I have a feeling that donning "gay apparel" had a slightly different meaning when this song was first written. Plus, there is no way that I can hear this song without thinking of the Chinese restaurant scene in the movie The Christmas Story. Now, that's classic.

Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree. Ok, as far as xmas songs go, this one isn't that bad. It is a nice upbeat tune that everyone enjoys boogyin' to while they hang on the decorations. But, answer me this: what is the "new old-fashioned way"? Is that like retro? And while I am pretty sure that this song is about a xmas dance party, the only rockin' that goes on with my xmas tree is when my cat tries to climb it...

Wonderful Christmastime by Paul McCartney. Ok, this one isn't exactly a holiday classic, but I have to call this one out anyway. Hey, I love the Beatles, but Sir Paul really cheesed out on this one. Compare this tune to John Lennon's Happy Xmas (War is Over) and it is easy to see why John was the superior Beatle in my opinion (sorry, SLG!).

The worst xmas song by far has to be Jolly Old Saint Nicholas. This is saying a lot, considering there is a pretty wide field of bad xmas songs, including Christmas Shoes and anything ever appearing on a NOW! Christmas album. What makes this selection particularly grating is the tendency of xmas record-producers to put in some underage moppet who can barely enunciate to try to sing some of the most horrid lyrics to grace the season. Johnny wants a pair of skates/Suzy wants a dolly/Nellie wants a story book/ She thinks dolls are folly. Dolls are folly???? That's not only a terrible rhyme, but it doesn't even make sense! Whoever penned that line should be forced to hang holiday lights while standing on an icy ladder for all eternity. Do yourself a favor, St. Nick, and lean your ear the other way on this clunker.

I could go on, but I'll stop (for now). There are a few ways to make the holiday music somewhat tolerable, though. First, have Frank Sinatra or Dean Martin sing it. If you can't pull that one, have no one sing it. I'm serious. The instrumental jazz versions are far less vexing without the singers/singing and, in cases like White Christmas or The Christmas Song, they may even be better. If that still doesn't work out for you, then just blast out Merry Christmas (I Don't Want to Fight Tonight) by the Ramones about 20 times in a row. That's what I plan on doing.